I knew sooner or later, I'd probably get sick again. I've been healthy for so long, I knew eventually the goodness would end. So, as of late last night I've declared myself officially "sick." That's right. I'm taking it easy today. Letting the kids watch videos till their hearts content. Catching up on emails and letting my househelper take care of stuff that I would normally take care of. I am boiling up some chicken broth, comfort food stuff. Dumplings sound amazing right now, but I'm not sure I'm feeling up for making them. Or eating them actually.
For those that are wondering, it's stomach issues that have taken up residence in my dear little body. Isaaq seems to have something similar, but much milder. He doesn't seem to be so bothered by it, for that I'm grateful.
I know the Father is teaching me something through this sickness. Wants me to slow down. Wants me to reflect. Wants me to hear His words for my heart. Wants me to hear His words for others' hearts.
He loves me. Fully and completely. He hears my cries for help. He's by my side. He's on my side. Life here can get pretty hard sometimes. I get weary of hearing of women telling me to stop breastfeeding, I get weary of seeing skinny babies because their mothers don't breastfeed them long enough (among other reasons), I get weary of trying to explain to people that my life isn't good because I have money, my life is good because He is good (!). But too often it falls on deaf ears.
I get weary dreaming of a life that He's not called me to. I'd love to live back in the States, live next door to my sisters. Not have to constantly search for the right word in a language that I'll always be learning. Being able to join celebrations, watch football games (or maybe just the commercials and the accompanied food), sticking my kids in a stroller and taking them to the park. Just being normal.
Here I try to do things to make me feel normal (whatever that has ever looked like for my life). Go shopping, plant a garden, make a cheesecake. Truth is, I could move back if I wanted to. And some days, I really want to, but then He reminds me, "And not only you, but anyone who sacrifices home, family, fields—whatever—because of me will get it all back a hundred times over, not to mention the considerable bonus of eternal life. This is the Great Reversal: many of the first ending up last, and the last first." Matthew 19:29.
It would be easier to just pick up and move back to the US. But He hasn't called us to "easy" but rather "to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." The decisions I/we make for our lives reflect what we believe (to state the obvious). Do I really believe the words above? Not as well as I should. I think I keep grasping for heaven in this life, and think that surrounding my life will give me that... but it won't. Filling my life with loved ones/stuff/hot water showers won't fulfill or satisfy. Only He does.
What about the orphans and the widows of this world. Truth is, I can barely handle the reality of many of my friends' lives. I put up barriers around my heart because sometimes it's just too much. I couldn't imagine not knowing if I had enough money to feed my children or take them to the doctor when they were sick, or buy them the medicine they needed or buy enough fruits and vegetables so that they're strong and healthy. Or finding enough water to drink? I have never ever had to think about these things. Could you imagine living like this? Or wondering if your husband would beat you that night?
Could you imagine thinking this was normal?
I can't. Starvation, drought, disease, abuse. I want it to end.
But I can't reach the finish line, without running the race. It won't end.
So I'm gonna run hard.
Hard.